August 9, 2011 Tracy McMillan: Why You’re Not Married
by Tracy McMillan
You want to get married. It’s taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud — even in your mind — feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you’re hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You’ve never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother’s wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride — she was so effing happy — and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you’re not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering… Deep, deep breath… Why you’re not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I’ve been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister’s son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated — traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I’ve become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships — someone who’s had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
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Permalink # Anonymous said
I think this is foolish. The last thing a woman should do is listen to another woman give advice about men. If you want to know about men, go straight to the source….a man.
Permalink # Anonymous said
I agree, especially a woman that has failed at marriage three times.
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Permalink # Shereen R Hart said
Not. Most women who are a bitch were turned into one by some man who decided his penis was more important than her, his kids, AND his marriage. The rest doesn’t apply to most women until AFTER the fact. You may not want to be married … it may cause you to be more of a bitch afterward than you are now.
Permalink # Married said
Hold up. First of all stop blaming men. We do have a say in who we give our love and body too. The signs are there, we usually choose to ignore them. If we followed Godly wisdom and not worldly wisdom, we could save ourselves a lot of heartache. Keeping ourselves until the right man comes along would help, but we get “horney” too. Oh well, therein lies the problem. Women are not what they used to be, trying too hard to be like men. Well, you get what you give. Honestly, how many men have you bedded already (of course I’m not talking to you), but anyone who reads this.
Permalink # YM said
I agree with you SH. I wouldn’t even go as far to call her a bitch. She is just schooled now and her face is hard with awareness. She is tougher now because she know she needs to be on guard or she may end up married three times and a triple bitch like the writer(that’s stretching it) who put this nonsense out.
Permalink # chantaey said
Just spend 5 minutes figuring out why YOUR son loves Kim Kardashian more than anyone and you will have all the answers to why many black women like you are not married. For the record she is plenty B***h-whiny, selfish and demanding like most non-black females who have been involved with black men. You are so proud of yourself for this article- it’s blind, prideful, lying garbage.
Permalink # RR said
I AGREE WITH YOU TOTALLY. She is only describing her own ISSUES and needs some therapy for herself. I know a LOT of decent/moral/smart black women. But I’m sure a lot of us do.
Permalink # Goldie G said
I am into my second marriage of 16 years and I must admit that most all of what you say is true of women. I don’t think much will change in them reading this or actually admitting to seeing themselves in black and white.
Good article
Permalink # Meanchick said
Your little article was so full of man code and bullcrap that I could swear a man wrote it! Let me enlighten you. ‘Bitch’ is what men call a woman they can’t control. ‘Shallow’ is something men are; they can look like Flava Flav and have the nerve to want the beautiful virgin beauty queen and will let the whole parade pass by thinking that this woman will want them as well. ‘Slut,’ okay, let’s face it, a sexually independent woman is a slut, a sexually independent man is a playboy, see the problem there? The last time I checked, EVERBODY tells lies. A man will lie to get to the undies and a woman will lie to get the relationship she wants. It’s all lies, nuff said. A man can have sex with a woman, promising her the world and if she gets pregnant, he can walk away from her and not look back. WHO is selfish? Who takes care of the children these deadbeat men don’t acknowledge unless years later that child becomes a pro athlete/celebrity? ‘Not Good Enough’ is black man code for not white. You’e blaming women for why they’re not married? Where does the man share in any of that blame and WHY make it a big deal to NOT be married? Many men today are stuck on weakness and they want a woman that will allow them to be their lame weak selves. They don’t want a woman who will hold them accountable. This article was just unfair and outdated and I hope your son is not being taught this misogynistic crap.
Permalink # Anonymous said
To Meanchick-very well said!
Permalink # NonaDy said
I THORUOGHLY AGREE! THIS is why I havent read any Terry McMillan…..
Permalink # RR said
AAMEN KEEP IT REAL..
Permalink # Blacq said
Your little article was so full of man code and bullcrap that I could swear a man wrote it! Let me enlighten you. ‘Bitch’ is what men call a woman they can’t control. ‘Shallow’ is something men are; they can look like Flava Flav and have the nerve to want the beautiful virgin beauty queen and will let the whole parade pass by thinking that this woman will want them as well. ‘Slut,’ okay, let’s face it, a sexually independent woman is a slut, a sexually independent man is a playboy, see the problem there? The last time I checked, EVERBODY tells lies. A man will lie to get to the undies and a woman will lie to get the relationship she wants. It’s all lies, nuff said. A man can have sex with a woman, promising her the world and if she gets pregnant, he can walk away from her and not look back. WHO is selfish? Who takes care of the children these deadbeat men don’t acknowledge unless years later that child becomes a pro athlete/celebrity? ‘Not Good Enough’ is black man code for not white. You’e blaming women for why they’re not married? Where does the man share in any of that blame and WHY make it a big ndeal to NOT be married? Many men today are stuck on weakness and they want a woman that will allow them to be their lame weak selves. They don’t want a woman who will hold them accountable. This article was just unfair and outdated and I hope your son is not being taught this misogynistic crap.
Mean Chick said it ALL!!!
It IS all about your comfort zone. Yes, the double standart still exists. The article speaks on what women should do to “attract and keep a man or husband.”
The writer appears to be giving men a pass for irresponsible behaviors. n
The bottom lie? “A man should rise UP to meet you.
Never stoop DOWN to meet him.” Men are not the only ones out here that are discerning. Women have good observation skills as well. I equate “not good enough” be the man black, bblue or whatever as “I lack confidence in myself.”
Permalink # Anonymous said
I know that’s right MEANCHICK…you said it all and said it best!!!!
Permalink # Anonymous said
We know which category you fit into.
Permalink # J said
As a black man raised with 2 sisters by a single mother who was abandoned by an abusive husband/father, I started adulthood completely under the premise that the demise of the black family was mostly the black man’s fault.
Okay…I gave him/us the excuse that we learned to be detached and misogynistic from our slave days when the master would come in whenever he pleased and take our woman sexually or give her to friends, his son, visitors or another slave at his whim.
I went into “love” with high hopes and good intentions, partially owed to the grooming and conditioning of my well intentioned mother and grandmother, that I would be the perfect catch and make some sista happy.
After reading that last paragraph, any brotha living in the USA, over the age of 30, playa or square knows how that went.
Now I’m not going to say that I am or was ever such a catch.
I’m not going to say that many black women are effed up and usually deserve what they get.
But through life experience, I can no longer co-sign that the blame for failed black love all falls on black men.
I will say that there is a savage war between the sexes in the black community and like any war, both sides have blood on their hands.
‘Debating’ and ‘discussing’ the state of black relationships with brothers and sisters is like discussing the Israeli/Palestinian affairs between an arbitrary group of Jewish and Muslim college students (try it sometimes).
But the difference is: between waging physical, psychological, emotional and financial warfare with one another, we screw, make babies and bring innocents into effed up situations….to continue the cycle.
I don’t know what the answers are but I do know for a fact that most of our socio-economic problems stem from our weak family units.
Sisters, think of how much of an economic, emotional advantage it is for a child to grow up in a loving two parent home.
Sure ‘you don’t need a man to raise your child’ but like Chris Rock said, you don’t need two legs either.
Now I know some of you are saying you’re down for that…its the brothers that keep effin it up.
Well some of you are lying. Many of you are just as shiftless, selfish, short-sighted and trifling as the worst brotha except at least he’s honest with himself about what he is.
Brothers, think of all your wealth the government siphons off from child support, alimony and divorce settlements (those of you who pay)….this is wealth that could have gone to your kid’s education, real estate, stocks, bonds, appreciable assets, etc.
(Side note: Instead of complaining about how Obama is not convincing enough white people to give us jobs…ehem..Dr. Boyce…we need to be focused on starting, growing and supporting businesses where we can ‘hire’ ourselves)
Now I can appreciate new booty as much as the next man…but sometimes you got to ask yourself…”how would this woman who loves me feel if she could see me right now?” or “Is this booty worth my children’s (even the ones who haven’t been born yet) future prospects and quality of life?”
Our dramas, low self esteem, self-absorptions and petty hang ups are keeping us in economic slavery no matter how many MBAs, Ph.ds, MDs, Championship Rings and Grammies we get.
(I’m not even going to go into the millions of brothas in the pen from a series of actions that ultimately boil down to the pursuit of p@$$y)
I don’t mean to come off holier then thou, especially since I’ve been part of the problem on more then one occasions (no kids, abandonment or divorces…just lying, cheating, emotional abuse and general obnoxiousness)
But for the sake of the kids, I would one day like to have and the memories of the strong men and women before me, who didn’t sacrifice and suffer for me to be a slave to my d!@k…I’m getting my act together, on my own, without dragging somebody else along.
* Do unto others as you have done one to you
* Tell the truth (plead the 5th if you must…but lying is for cowards)
* If you don’t trust, respect…really know a woman, don’t sleep with her ( I know…it sounds lame…but I got too many homiez with 5 + kids from different baby-mommas and on child support for every one)
* Every woman is somebodies daughter, mother, sister…treat her how you would wan’t somebody to treat your daughter, mother, sister
* Don’t be a victim. People only get away with what you let them and usually when you get got you were up to something you had no business doing anyway.
Something tells me that when I’m really ready an educated but street smart, strong, emotionally secure, sexy, black woman (Michelle Obama meets Pam Grier) will come along, whose ready to dig in with me and carve out our stake of the world.
– J
Orbis Non Sufficit
Permalink # Anonymous said
Well said!!!!!
Permalink # Anissa said
Just your own opinion……
Permalink # YM said
No offense but this article sucks. Sounds like a slut wrote it. For one she brags about being married three times. Why can’t you keep a man? I would say you need to take your own advice. Sounds like some insecurities are in you. I have been married and now divorced. No he did not betray those signs. He was a liar and a cheater and he has said in many occasions he effed up. Well too late. I encourage my sisters not to stay just so you don’t get classified as not having a husband OR settle just to say you are married. Please I agree with J please stop having these children out of wedlock. We are our own worst enemy as far as destroying the blk family unit. TM I wish you the best in your writing endeavors but from now own I will not even read anything you write because you are a disappointment. Boyce did himself and readers an injustice by letting you write an article.
Permalink # YM said
Go Meanchick!!!! I think you should be writing instead of TM. I don’t think you’re mean at all, just aware!
Permalink # BARB said
THE REASON YOUR NOT MARRIED, TO MUCH FREE SEX. ALSO TO MANY BISEXUAL MEN. LADIES LET’S STOP HAVING BABIES , LET’S GET AN EDUCATION. AND LOVE OUR SELF.
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 2X AND VERY PROUD OF MY PAST. I AM NOW 65 YEARS OLD. I HAVE SLEPT WITH 5 MEN MEN THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. BLACK WOMEN BEING A LADY, IS A BEAUTIFUL THING. NOT JUST TO YOU, ALSO TO YOUR MAN..
Permalink # Ruby said
The reality is: if you do what you always did, you will get what you always got. Sometimes, we need to get introspective and change our actions, our approach, become self-contained and get a new perspective. Broaden your scope. Don’t travel with your same girlfriends all of the time; keep your man to yourself-you do not need all of you single girls giving a critique, but you do wish to check references from reliable sources. Clear the clutter out of your home and mind. Make a list of those about five things you want in a mate. Now can you live with 3 out of those five; if so, you may have something to work with. Watch your words to ensure that you do not say something that you cannot take back. Lastly, you may need to be open to someone of color from another culture.
Permalink # Anonymous said
Just a shame … people are out of control, sexually exploiting relationships (male to male to female to female to confused/both) without consequences and certainly no respect.
Just think, you are encouraged to background check every considerable mate who meets some criteria that is never what it seems or defined or equated by both parties.
Today’s society is a throw away and keep moving.
Permalink # Reynellie said
I did not find the article particularly offensive. I am married (happily so) and feel that some women are not married by choice. I also believe that all are not made to be wives. Everyone can’t be rich. Some people are just meant to be single. Men who get to a certain age wothout being married are considered “players” or “undercover bothers.” In both cases, choice is implied. Why is it that single women of the same age are referred to as old maids?
Maybe I am biased because I am already married, but my spouse does not define or complete me. I know and love who I am, married or single.
Permalink # Bailey said
It is mostly the ladies here who have a problem with the article. As a married woman, i see all too well the denial, and unwillingness to confront one’s own narcissistic values from my single girlfriends ages 25-30.
No one is blaming the sistas (it is not that simple) but merely pointing out how there shortcomings contribute to the incredible statistic of 70% of black households being reared by black unwed mothers.
Obviously black women/girls are not anti family. I have known too many sistas who are so absorbed in their bankrupt values that they reach a certain age (like over 25), with a bachelor’s degree, probably just 12 hours shy of a master’s, an entry level position, a nice toned body, but no prospect of a brotha.
What is wrong with that picture?
1.Remember, whoring around will eventually catch up with you
2. No matter how many degrees you have, a truly professional brother is not going to take his chances with a loud sister who does not come across as articulate (no matter how eurocentric this sounds it is reality: think Frederick Douglass and his first wife Anna Murray(but that is a different conversation entirely) ).
3. Clothes: the baby phat, apple bottoms, and wudeva else you’re wearing like that does not scream ‘wife and intelligent hostess to his colleagues’ matter-of-fact refer to #2 about being loud. Think more eddie bauer, sears, penny’s, land’s end attire (contrary to popular belief, brothers love it when sisters dress modestly yet elegantly)
4. Stop going to your unmarried girlfriends for advice already!
5. Learn how to cook decent meals that do not emphasize fried, or oily. If not for a man, for your own health’s sake.
I mean i could go and on…but a lot of this stuff is pretty basic. Are sisters worthy of marriage? DUH, but it won’t happen until sisters are mature enough to recognize and make the conscious effort to change some fundamental things.
Permalink # J said
Even though I already spoke my piece, I can’t help but have to weigh in again.
First of all I think society places too much of an emphasis on whether a woman is married or not.
F@ck what she’s done with her professional life…is she married or not…and have kids.
When I have a daughter I’m not going to sweat her about when she gets married, just like I wouldn’t sweat my son.
I’d rather her ‘live in sin’ , like the old folks say, then marginalize her personal potential marrying the wrong guy, getting married too soon or getting married at all.
For the women that I love (my sisters, my mother and a few real, sincere female friends), I’m more concerned about what they do with their own lives on their own terms then whether or not they are married.
As much as I respect and admire Michelle Obama, for her own accomplishments, I’d rather my daughter be an Oprah, a Condelezza Rice or a Venus/Serena Williams.
Now if they wanna have kids, I think it’s wiser and better in the long run to do so with a committed partner and the whole point of ‘marriage’ is a vow of commitment.
But all this making marriage some sort of life validation is ignorant and old-school to the point of being dangerous, especially for black women.
But if having a man propose to you is an important goal, here are a few pointers from my end as a man.
1. Don’t be a ho.
Yeah I know there’s an unfair double standard regarding female sexuality. If a man sleeps around he’s a player/playboy/etc and if a woman sleeps around she’s a slut/ho/etc.
Well ladies, if you’re trying to accomplish old-school goals of getting married by such and such time, with such and such man, then you gotta up-hold some old school values.
Barring retired pimps, who have completely transcended sexual possession, or men who feel they have few/no other options…most guys are not going to wanna marry you or even be called your boyfriend, if they by their definition, they think you’re a ho or they think you’re too easy to sleep with.
If you give it up quick to a man, no matter how much the moment was right, or how much he seemed to be okay with it…it will forever be in the back of his mind that you gave it up as quick or quicker to some uncountable score of men.
Now some of you think you’re slick holding out on the guys you want to take you seriously while
banging your male ‘friend with benefits’ on the side….and you might get away with this.
Well all that ‘lets keep it on the low’ makes good lyrics in R&B songs, but the truth is , dudes love to brag about who they’re banging, especially if she’s ‘taken’ and the word gets around.
One of the ’48 Laws of Power’ goes something like: Value your reputation at all costs. Protect it with your life.
Ladies if you want guys to take your seriously hold out…if he can’t hang in there then he aint the one.
2. Be A Stand-Up Woman
Sometimes I am amazed at the degrees of self-absorbed, sociopathic, narcissism I observe among women.
It amazes me because I grew up being schooled under the premise that women are ‘the fairer sex’.
Some of you are real female Hitlers hiding behind a pretty face, a nice body and a sexy voice.
You might get what you want in the short run. Hell you might even rope a few dopes in hook line and sinker.
But some brothers (myself being one of them) check a woman for character.
But you know what…so what if he knows or cares whether you have character or not…your lack of character will be your own demon in the long run.
Smart men, look for stand-up partners whether it’s business or love.
If you wanna a stand-up man, be a stand-up woman…with your female friends, with your family, with your pets.
3. Look For Stand Up Men
Like Ms. McMillian said, some of you, when it comes to men, are really into the superficial.
This goes for men and women…if you don’t learn how to peep out character in people, you’ll be the sorrier for it.
Notice how a man treats his family and friends.
Can they count on him?
Does he keep his word?
Does he tow the line?
Is he somebody you’d feel comfortable leaving your sisters’ kids with for the weekend? (not that you would…just for the sake of argument)
Does he pay his debts (Not just financial)?
Some of you sisters are suckered by baubles and trinkets.
Just because he drives a flashy car or wears expensive shoes or jewelry, does not mean you can count on him.
Hell…just because he’s in the NFL or has an MBA does not mean you can count on him or will treat you with respect and dignity until the day you die (or that he can and will take care of you financially without a court order)
In this sense sisters (not to be politically in-correct) but I suggest you take pointers from some of these white gals.
Some of these white gals will pick a stand-up guy and future Investment Banker, Doctor, CEO from a scruffy, beraggled, Scooby and Shaggy lookin white dude in a heart beat.
While some of you sistas call yourselves ugpraden on brothas off of car stereo systems, spinners and chains (metaphorically speaking) the white gals will grab a little mop-headed pool boy and stand by him until he makes partner at the firm.
(Now she probably saw something in him that reminded her of the daddy who she saw everyday from day one until she left the house…so I’m not faulting some of you for lack of foresight because you literally did not have a ‘positive male role model’)
Now I know the cliche, kneejerk comeback from many sisters will be, that if she stood by a broke brother until he came up, he’d just switch out to a white chick.
Well that goes back to learning to peep out character and upbringing from the beginning.
The problem is not sticking by broke but hard working brothers, the problem is sticking by men without character, regardless of their financial situation.
Ok, I could go on…but I got stuff to do.
Yall take care and remember 2 things:
* You get what you pay for
* Karma is a m@thaf#ca
Orbis Non Sufficit
-J
Permalink # agentp009 said
@J:
Why is it always that relationship have to come down to doing what’s right by children? Not that you shouldn’t do what’s best for them, but people seem to think people should put up with bad treatment for their kids. In reality, this is bad for the kid and the parent(s).
And while it is true that women as well as men should own up to their faults, it seems like men get a pass if they admit they’re a dirtbag. It’s like “Yeah he’s a dirtbag but he admitted it”. But for women it’s “You have to admit you’re a dirtbag and then change your ways so men will like you better”. No one ever tells me to look at themselves and do better.
Permalink # TheDatingLines.com said
The Kardashian – Sears marriage causes the girls to end up in court…
Kim Kardashian filed a lawsuit in the United States District Court for the Central District of California against Old Navy for using a model/actress that allegedly looks like her and calls her to mind in its commercials. Some speculate that the ….
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