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Black Love, African American Love

A Black Love Blog that explores every dimension of African American relationships

Category Archives: Black Love

This poll was taken in response to the article Does the black church keep women single and lonely? – The majority of black women believe that they should open their dating horizons in general and that in spite of what Deborah Cooper has to say, the church can be a good place to find a Godly man.  What do you think?

Black women need to open their dating horizons in general


No — It’s a woman’s right to seek a Godly man


Yes — It’s a bad place to meet men


No Comment / Not Sure


Either way, I find her views judgemental


A black woman put a list of her dating requirements on my facebook page as part of a broader conversation some were having about black relationships and why they don’t work.  I wonder what others think about this list and whether or not it’s healthy to have a list like this in your quest for true love.  Here is the list:


I don’t date men in jail
I don’t date men with children
I don’t date men who don’t have a job
I don’t date men who  are not career oriented
I don’t date men who have a criminal history (it’s called a background check and I highly recommend it)
I don’t date men who carry guns
I don’t date men who abuse drugs
I don’t date men who are verbally or physically abusive to anything OR anyone
I don’t date men who borrow money
I don’t date men who reject education
I don’t date men who can’t cook and clean
I don’t date men who can’t cry
I don’t date men who disrespect their mothers
I don’t date men who worship their mothers
I don’t date men who are still in love with his ex
I don’t date men who are married
I don’t date men who are separated
I don’t date men who are legally separated
I don’t date men in open relationships
I don’t date men who have girlfriends
I don’t date men who have a girlfriend
I don’t date men who brag about taking care of their kids
I don’t date men who don’t take care of their kids
I don’t date men who don’t know how to get rid of an ex-girlfriend
I don’t date men who are disrespectful to their ex-wives
I don’t date men who refuse to take an AIDS test

The age of the Hoochie Mama is over

by Dr. Boyce Watkins | TheLoop21 in Culture & Society

It’s time for hip hop, and its audience, to grow up.

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by Dr. Boyce Watkins, Syracuse University

A note to Slim Thug: You probably just need to be quiet for a while. It’s not to say thatyour comments about black women were outside your rights to freedom of speech, but if you keep dissing the audience most likely to go out and buy your records, you are probably going to end up in the same poorhouse as MC Hammer. Don’t get me wrong, black men love your music (at least I do), but the bottom line is that brothers don’t buy albums, books, or anything else put up for sale. But when black women turn on you, it’s a wrap son. Settle down and go back to the studio; it’s good for your financial health.
I wrote yesterday about the comments made by Slim Thug regarding how he perceives white women to be a better dating choice than black women, as well asColumbia Professor Marc Lamont Hill’sresponse to Slim Thug’s words. It seems that the debate has taken a life of it’s own, now that rapper Talib Kweli has joined the conversation. In a recent essay he wrote for Vibe Magazine, Talib Kweli was ever the diplomatic artist, as he showed respect for Slim Thug, but also expressed his own concerns for his colleague’s remarks about black women:

Click to read.

To read more about the debate regarding Slim Thug’s comments about black women, click here.


by Lola Adesioye, Huffington Post

Over the past few months, black women and their relationships – or should I say, lack thereof – have been getting a lot of attention. The Washington Posthas done a couple of features on it. Then ABC’sNightline did a show asking why there are so many single black women.

All of a sudden the mainstream media is taking a keen interest in our love lives. We are being told that there is a ‘crisis’ amongst black women, particularly educated professional women, who are apparently unable to find a ‘decent’ black man.

Last night, ABC continued once again, with the airing of "Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?," a taped discussion featuring Hill Harper, Steve Harvey, The View’s Sherri Shepherd and others.

There’s no doubt that it’s a topic that sparks heated debates and discussions amongst black women and men. It has for years. But is it really that bad? Or is the media – now that it has found a hot topic – exploiting this issue for all that it’s worth? I’m an educated black woman and I personally have no problem with meeting eligible, educated, great black men. Whether or not I choose to date them is another thing, but they are out there.

I am somewhat perturbed by the slew of stories on this topic. They are negative, unhelpful and only serve to perpetuate negative ideas about black men and women which often become self-fullfiling. They basically say ‘oh, poor black women. They try so hard yet can’t find a decent man … Boo hoo, black women are victims. Ooh, it’s all the fault of those pathetic black men. You know, they have no education or are locked up in jail.’ Sorry, but I do not subscribe to that view.


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by Dr. Boyce Watkins, Finance Professor – Syracuse University

As a Finance Professor, I find it incredibly ironic that many people get married without talking about money. They talk about every kind of compatibility from emotional, to spiritual, sexual, and professional, but they seldom take the time necessary to ensure that they can tolerate the idea of sharing their financial life with a person who may not be on the same page. This problem is compounded in black relationships, where many women describe economic hurdles as one of the reasons that black women have trouble finding the right mate.


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Dr. Towanna Freeman has a lot to say about why Black People aren’t getting married.  In an interview with AOL Black Voices, the leading black news website in America, she was quoted as saying this:


“According to the U.S. Census, 42% of African-Americans are getting married, in comparison to 61% of Caucasians. 

There are four contributing factors for this current gap:  the evolution of the black professional woman in the workplace; the increased numbers of incarcerated black males; decreased numbers of black males in college compared to black women; and the increased number of single mothers as head of household.

For example, black women are more likely to marry men of equal or greater education and money earning potential.  Finding a prospective groom can be a challenge if the black male to black female ratio is 1 in 6 like in many major cities.  The workplace and academia are the most probable location to make a dating connection.  These are places you spend most of your day and you interact with the prospective and get to know them in a much better way.  However, if the number of black males in those environments is too low, the odds are slim for the black love connection.  This is one explanation for the increased number of interracial marriages in the U.S.”

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He’s afraid of the Big Bad Butt!! December 8th

by Nicole Spence 

Hey People!
Sorry I’ve been gone finals have been kicking my ass! But, Wednesday is the last day of school so I’ll be all yours again! 
Any who of course I got an interesting story, a tale of some bullshit! 
You know when I was a little girl my Uncle Mark always used to tease me about my big butt! He would always let me know, that when I grew up my boyfriend would love me for it though! Considering I was a little girl, and insecure about this big ol’ Rice n Peas butt, I didn’t know what he was talking about. I thought I was fat! 
Fast forward I grew up and my butt grew in size as well, and my Uncle Marky never lied! The Boys loved me for it. Well at least the ones that could handle the butt did! Lol. 
With that said one of my bootylicous girlfriends went out with this rapper, with only one record under his belt the other night and check what he had to say! 
You know I gotta leave names out so let’s call her Jenny! Well I love Jenny’s shape, she’s a thick girl, but not too thick, and a very pretty face! 
Here she was out to dinner with this lame eating and talking, and he tells her "you know Jenny you’re the first thick girl that I’ve ever dated"! Really? "Why" she asked! He goes on to tell her that he "normally likes to date smaller girls, because his joint looks bigger while hitting it from the back!!!" WTF?? Apparently he feels that with Thick girls, it creates a bit of an optical illusion, where his dick just magically looks smaller in comparison to a big ol’ booty!!
Now isn’t that some bullshit! Clearly your joint is just small! I thought a big booty just personified "Smash"! And you know his butt is all chubby and out of shape, but he wants to put emphasis on my girl’s body! I think not, you Loser! Accept your small tool and deal with it, don’t try to make her feel insecure at the party! 
Man I remember when I was younger, just new to sex, I had no idea about positions and so forth, just knew about the "IN, Out, IN!" But you know you’re still curious, so you talk about it with your girl and guy friends! I remember it like it was yesterday, when my friend at the time Tiba, asked me if I was receiving "back shots"! When I told him No, he questioned why! I had no answer for him, but he could tell by the look on my face that I was wondering too. So he said to me, please don’t think its because you’re butt is too big! Tiba knew I was insecure about my womanly body back then! "That dude ain’t hitting it from the back, because he can’t reach Nic, not because of you!" That shit never left my head, Yea! Its not me, it’s him! "He can’t work the middle, cuz his thing’s too little!" Lmao! 
Ahhh but I say all this to say, sometimes these dudes have a way of putting their insecurities on you to carry! Fuck that, let them carry their own shit! Love your body, and Rep every chance you get! Confidence is the sexiest thing you can wear in the bedroom, and now a days I never leave home without it! Church!



Rickell Howard as told to S. Tia Brown
I’m embarrassed to say this, but it’s the truth: I almost lost it when I broke up with my fiancé. It started five years ago. I was in my second year of law school when I became pregnant with my son, Justin, now 5. His father wasn’t exactly "daddy material", so I knew I was destined to be a single mother. It was a harsh and daunting fact, but my reality. Eventually, I transferred to a law in my hometown, so I could be near my family. Then something amazing happened: I reconnected with my high school sweetheart. Obviously, he was salty that I was knocked up, but he wanted to build a relationship. We did.
Seemingly overnight my nightmare morphed into what seemed to be sweet dream. My new man stood by my side as I completed law school, prepared for my state’s bar exam and raised my son. After a while we moved in together and things were great. Three years later I got pregnant. I assumed the man who helped me take care of my baby with another guy would be ecstatic about raising his first biological child, but that wasn’t the case. He panicked. Things were okay until my maternity leave was up and I had to return to my job; between working, breastfeeding, taking care of the kids, and the house, I was completely exhausted. Instead of being supportive he grew distant and began cheating – to top it off he was sloppy. I confronted my fiancé about his fidelity and he did the unthinkable: He chose her.

Click to read.

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by Dr. Boyce Watkins, Syracuse University 

When I heard that Chris Brown hit his ex-girlfriend Rihanna, I was concerned and surprised.  I also found myself irritated by the fact that many women, along with my teenage daughters, were quick to forgive Chris for his actions, primarily because they think he has a great voice and a cute face.  I had little sympathy for Chris Brown, and doing something like that to one of my girls would’ve had him singing a cappella for the rest of his life.

RELATED: Rihanna: Chris Brown “Had No Soul In His Eyes”

But that’s where I have to get off the Chris Brown bashing bus.  In spite of my frustration with Chris’ behavior, I cannot endorse the media’s decision to turn his relationship with Rihanna into a one-sided slugfest, committed by yet another violent black man whose rage consistently overrides his intellect.  I also cannot endorse Rihanna’s decision to bring ABC News into her relationship, portraying herself as the completely innocent victim who was terrorized by the big, scary black man.  Yes, she is the victim, but we all know that love is not that simple.

Let’s be clear: No man should ever put his hands on a woman in a violent way.  We all agree on that.   Not only is it morally wrong, but it’s an easy way for a man to find himself in jail (especially if he’s black).  We should also agree that no woman should put her hands on any man.  The second point might be subject to disagreement, but the truth is that you shouldn’t hit someone if you don’t expect to get hit back.  While that person might end up being punished by the police, you might end up in the morgue.  We can also agree that the disproportionate amount of force that a man is capable of inflicting is a legitimate reason that the man is more to blame than the woman, even if both parties are involved in a physical altercation.


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I was flipping through a Women’s Health recently (I admit it), and I noticed an interesting poll. Women cited the following as the most common breakup reasons:

When I was little, it drove me crazy when my parents supported "no" with "because I said so." I always wanted a reason. I’m not sure if knowing why always helps, but perhaps if you know common reasons guys break up with girls, you’ll at least be able to see it coming. So, here are mine:

I Got Bored: I’ve read many different hypotheses on attention span, but my favorite is (Wikipedia):

"Continuous attention span, or the amount of time a human can focus on an object without any lapse at all, is very brief and may be as short as 8 seconds. After this amount of time, it is likely that an individual’s eyes will shift focus, or that a stray thought will briefly enter consciousness."


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Visit Your Black World for the latest in Black News!

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by Nicole Spence , Your Black World 

Hey guys,
I know I’m late but Let’s get busy( in my Aresenio Hall voice! Lol),
I have an interesting Dear Nicole letter read below:
the other night while getting some head from my girl she tried something new and stuck a finger in my azz and i nutted like i never before and it felt really good but i don’t want her to think I’m gay or something how do i tell her i really liked that shit damm why did it feel so good? i need to know because if felt so fucking good but i’m no fag is that acceptable? thanks
Wow!! My first reaction is that you’re not gay! But Let’s be clear if a man that I’m seeing asked me to put a finger in his booty, I would immediately think his ass was gay!!
I mean that’s just a hell of a request!
But you didn’t ask for it, your girlfriend just tried something new and it turns out you dig it! It’s actually kinda cool, that you guys are delving into uncharted territory like that. Sounds freaky but she is teaching you about your body. So that’s cool! And I don’t think you have to tell her how much you liked it, I’m sure she can tell by your reaction! Shooot if she likes to "Rep her city" as much as I do, she’ll be doing that shit again and again for that same explosive reaction! Congrats!!

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by Nicole Spence 

So a good friend of mine recently started digging in the crates, and began messing with an old flame!
These 2 dated years ago pretty heavy actually, ish happened and they parted ways. But now he’s back! The sex that she remembers was pretty fiery! Although she does recall having to initiate some of their sexual encounters. But it was still pretty Calente!
He’s about 8years older than her, so she was looking forward to the whole " daddy" experience. Unfortunately things "down south" haven’t been quite the way she remembers, while talking over Patron shots, she asked me if she should give him the ol Heave hoe!
Here’s the skinny!

Click to read.

by Nicole Spence

So I was on the way to school talking on the phone with one of my girlfriends. I brought up a previous conversation that I had with my friend Jack. Just recently Jack invited me to go with him to check out this Sex club in Brooklyn. Jack knows damn well that I won’t be partaking in any of the reckless behavior, but we both figured it would be juicy material for me to write about, if I wasn’t such a damn fraidy cat, and I actually had the balls to enter such a place. 
The crazy shit is nasty people are everywhere, as I’m walking and chit chatting to my surprise this clean cut black guy over hears my conversation. As I attempt to cross the street he stops me. Now I’m thinking “ Oh you want my number?” But No! He tells me “ I didn’t mean to over hear your conversation, but I did. My girlfriend and I are looking for a new Sex club, can you tell me the name of the one you were just speaking about?” Get the fuck outta here! You swing? He begins to ask if I’m apart of the “community” I say, "No" followed by a very loud weird laugh. Lol 
But me being nosey I just had to get all up in his Kool- Aid! “ Tell me all about this Sex club, and your Boo! “ Dude was so cool and really didn’t mind sharing their story with me. Let’s call him Jameson! 
Jameson and his girlfriend have been dating for about a year now. However, after about 3months of dating she found his porn collection in his apartment. Jameson remembers feeling awkward and embarrassed at her finding them. To his surprise she was more than cool with his collection and began to inquire whether he would be interested in watching Live! Of course instinctively he thought that shit was some type of joke or massive set up. Lol. But nope she was serious, she begins to tell him that she is a member of this sex club in the Meat Packing district, and that they could go there together and “play”. Man I just couldn’t believe my ears! The girl is the one who turns out the guy?? Wow! So the deal with the Sex club is that No single guys couples only. Single girls are allowed but a female member must accompany the men. Not everyone engages in sexual activity there, some women are dressed in lingerie or naked but you might even see women in business attire! “Shut Up”! 
The first time Jameson and his girlfriend visit the club he was very nervous, so his girlfriend did most of the work, you know selecting the couple. Their first time was with an older white couple but it wasn’t at the club. The couples made a date to meet another night to exchange medical records and “connect “ in a private setting. Jameson says that this is a “lifestyle” medical checkup are mandatory and that people who are in this community are a lot more health conscious then us “naysayers.” He assures me that condoms are always heavily enforced! I hope so shoooooot! Once at the couple’s apartment and pleasantries are exchanged, the wife begins to make her move on Jameson and starts to kiss him. Since he was still feeling a bit uneasy he glances at his girlfriend who encourages him to enjoy as she makes her way across the room to the husband. Some swingers might switch partners during their session, but these two were in it to experience someone new to the fullest! 
After their encounter Jameson and his girlfriend go back home and have sex, alone! According to him the sex is even better! The sex was even hotter because these two were trying to restore the balance in the house. You know that “ this is still my pussy” type of shit! 
I can’t lie I always find open relationships interesting especially when you see couples “successfully” making it work. I keep hearing that the trick or mindset is to see sex as just that sex.
Here’s an interesting statistic though; according to 20% of American couples are Swingers! And that couples that enter into a swinging lifestyle can increase their enjoyment and satisfaction in the relationship. They also consider this lifestyle as bringing in a better understanding of themselves and their partner, therefore enhancing their intimacy. Couples who “ Swing” don’t’ enter into to this lifestyle because they are currently in a failing relationship. It’s the opposite. These couples consider themselves to have a great foundation built on trust.
Oh yea when I asked Jameson if he would marry his girlfriend, he responded with “Ahhh right now we’re just having fun, I’m not thinking about marriage”! Uhm I didn’t think so buddy!! 
Although I may visit and be curious a Swinger’s life is not for me. But if my Golden Girls and I ever make it to a Sex club you guys will be the 1st to know.
Anyway who else is swinging out there? Have you ever wondered how the other side lives? Share with me!!

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