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Black Love, African American Love

A Black Love Blog that explores every dimension of African American relationships

Tag Archives: Black Relationships

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In this episode of Your Black Love, Deborrah Cooper and I ask whether or not black women have a preference for dating men that are not good for them.

Do you know a woman who dates one bad guy after another and then seems to spend all of her time whining about the fact that she can never find a good man?  Yea, I have too.  Well, it seems to me that, at some point, we must all have some degree of accountability for our relationship choices. 

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Your Black World reports

Diamond Breland gives her take on Mo’Nique’s assertion that black women need to “submit” in order to keep their men.  Mo’Nique’s statements on the matter have led to a great deal of controversy, with men and women going back and forth over the age old issue of making our relationships work.   She also discusses the couple that was on Mo’Nique’s show and argues that they appear to be swingers, and not real relationship experts.

 

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Dr. Boyce Watkins, Your Black World 

Mo’Nique and her guests seem to think that black women work too hard to take control in their relationships.  In the video below, Mo’Nique goes into what women need to do in order to keep a man happy in a relationship.   Her disposition seems to imply that black women have been taught to be too independent and this leads to the breakdown of their relationships.

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Dr. Towanna Freeman has a lot to say about why Black People aren’t getting married.  In an interview with AOL Black Voices, the leading black news website in America, she was quoted as saying this:

 

“According to the U.S. Census, 42% of African-Americans are getting married, in comparison to 61% of Caucasians. 

There are four contributing factors for this current gap:  the evolution of the black professional woman in the workplace; the increased numbers of incarcerated black males; decreased numbers of black males in college compared to black women; and the increased number of single mothers as head of household.

For example, black women are more likely to marry men of equal or greater education and money earning potential.  Finding a prospective groom can be a challenge if the black male to black female ratio is 1 in 6 like in many major cities.  The workplace and academia are the most probable location to make a dating connection.  These are places you spend most of your day and you interact with the prospective and get to know them in a much better way.  However, if the number of black males in those environments is too low, the odds are slim for the black love connection.  This is one explanation for the increased number of interracial marriages in the U.S.”

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I was flipping through a Women’s Health recently (I admit it), and I noticed an interesting poll. Women cited the following as the most common breakup reasons:

When I was little, it drove me crazy when my parents supported "no" with "because I said so." I always wanted a reason. I’m not sure if knowing why always helps, but perhaps if you know common reasons guys break up with girls, you’ll at least be able to see it coming. So, here are mine:

I Got Bored: I’ve read many different hypotheses on attention span, but my favorite is (Wikipedia):

"Continuous attention span, or the amount of time a human can focus on an object without any lapse at all, is very brief and may be as short as 8 seconds. After this amount of time, it is likely that an individual’s eyes will shift focus, or that a stray thought will briefly enter consciousness."

 

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I was supposed to get married last year, but my fiance called off the wedding weeks before the ceremony. He said that I was not passionate enough, but he refuses to leave, constantly telling me what I don’t do and what I can’t do and what I won’t do. There is so much animosity between us that I don’t think we could ever get past it. Do you have any suggestions on how we could make it work or if it is even worth it?

Nikki

Calling off the wedding the month you are supposed to get married is a sign that your fiance was not ready, and he is now blaming his uncertainty on you. Pointing the finger at your spouse is a surefire way to create division and animosity in a relationship. These are all tactics used to push a person away, and it seems that your fiance has no intention of truly saving the relationship. His decision to stay in a mini-marriage and not be married, all the while verbally and emotionally abusing you, sounds like he wants you to end the relationship so that he will not be responsible for its failure. If you want to heal this relationship, you will need a relationship couples coach, and if you decide to end it, I would recommend that you work with a coach to heal the wounds created by all of this emotional turmoil. In the meantime, ask him what his true fears are concerning marriage. Any emotionally stable person knows that you cannot change your partner; you can only change yourself. Taking responsibility for his role in the type of relationship he helped to create would have been the empowering way to address this situation. He could have chosen to approach you differently and been open to sharing his needs for passion and other forms of intimacy with you instead of laying the blame on you for his own cold feet.

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He’s superprotective of his gadgets. “The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills,” says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he’s being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he’s more evasive.
2. He steps up the grooming. “This is so obvious, but it’s a sign many women miss: If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he’s spending more time naked,” says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He’s spending more time at the gym.

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Taraji P. Henson is single and trying to mingle, but has some standards when it comes to dating.
“Most men are fragile,” the “Curious Case of Benjamin Button” star says in September’s Men’s Fitness magazine in a story that features some sizzling photos of Henson. “I’m a successful woman, in the public eye, and raising a kid by myself. It can leave guys feeling like, ‘Damn, how can I have a chance?’”

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I am a college student, and I have been in a long-distance relationship for three years with a man who is 11 years older. We met online, grew to be best friends and have been through a lot together. Recently, our relationship suffered a major blow when I was told by his godmother that he was still legally married to his last wife. I confronted him and ended up speaking with the wife. Eventually, we broke things off, and he got divorced, which was confirmed by the county clerk. Since then, we have been trying to rebuild, but I no longer trust him, and I believe it is make us both miserable. Moreover, my insecurities are making him going out of his way to show evidence of his honesty in even the smallest of things. I love this man, and we have overcome racial differences, an age gap and distance, so I know our potential. However, I don’t feel that I can ever trust him again after this. Is it possible for us to recover from this?

Anonymous, 21, Seattle

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By Brian Alexander

msnbc.com contributor

updated 8:31 a.m. ET, Thurs., Aug 13, 2009

Brian Alexander

Michelle Obama may have become an archetypal African-American female success story — law career, strong marriage, happy children — but the reality is often very different for other highly educated black women.

They face a series of challenges in navigating education, career, marriage and child-bearing, dilemmas that often leave them single and childless even when they’d prefer marriage and family, according to a research study recently presented at the American Sociological Society’s annual meeting in San Francisco.

Yale researchers Natalie Nitsche and Hannah Brueckner argued that “marriage chances for highly educated black women have declined over time relative to white women.” Women of both races with postgraduate educations “face particularly hard choices between career and motherhood,” they said, “but especially in the absence of a reliable partner.”

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Rumor is that Kanye West knocked her up.  Does that  mean the baby will be bald too?

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Popular women’s site Jezebel has amassed in one place evidence that confirms what we always suspected. Most of the women appearing on ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ are hardly the rich women they pretend to be. Far from being pampered princesses without a care, NeNe, Kim, Lisa and Sheree are plagued with financial, family and relationship problems just like everybody else. Perhaps this makes for great reality television, because if these ladies were truly elite, they might not be as fun to watch.

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by Dr. Boyce Watkins, Syracuse University

OK, was I confused when I found out that Tiny and Toya (TI’s “baby mama” and Lil Wayne’s ex-wife, respectively) were being given a reality show on BET? Yeah, I was a little surprised. If only I could find a way to become a high profile baby mama — that seems to be the way to go. With my being a man, I guess that might be difficult to accomplish. All jokes aside, I watched this show with tremendous curiosity, as I think we can all learn from observing the thought patterns of those who live behind the scenes of our favorite celebs. Part of me feels sorry for both of these women, who seem to be desperately fighting their way out of the massive shadows being cast by the powerful men in their lives. Even the daughters of TI and Lil Weezy are trying to get their own reality show. Maybe they too are feeling the weight of their daddies’ collective fame. Why don’t we just give a reality show to the family dog? Now that would be hot!

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Yep, I’m guilty. I admit it. I have indulged in one of my (many) guilty pleasures, ‘Bridezillas,’ a few times. Now, don’t even try acting all bourgeois, because you know you have, too. And even though we sit back and wonder what man in his right mind would marry one of these crazed chicks, with their “I’m all that” attitudes and ridiculous demands for cerulean – not blue – centerpieces, there’s a thing or two we can learn from them even before we find the proverbial “one.”
1. Be a S.N.O.B.
Opt to settle for nothing other than the best when it comes to matters of your heart. Don’t worry, that doesn’t entail being a pompous, arrogant b&^%$. Instead, it means knowing precisely what you require in a mate and sticking to that ideal. But knowing is half the battle, yes? That brings us to point two.
2. List Your Demands
Mariah and Rihanna list their demands at every one of their shows in the form of a “concert rider”– agreements that each show promoter must adhere to. Guess what? Beyonce ain’t the only diva around. Here’s what you do: Pull out a piece of paper, grab a pen and write down every single thing you want and need in your soon-to-be-found husband (even if you think it’s facetious. FYI: It’s perfectly okay to list attractiveness as a requirement). List them out numerically. There doesn’t have to be a specific order, just get them on paper. Also, there’s no limit, so write to your heart’s content. Next, put stars next to those you deem to be of utmost importance (i.e., compassion for your feelings might be starred, while a required height of 6-foot-3 won’t be quite as pressing). Notice how many are starred versus those that aren’t. The starred ones are must-haves; the unstarred ones are the nice-to-haves. Put it in your wallet and carry it everywhere you go.

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Hollywood star Halle Berry has vowed that she will never get married again.

The twice-divorced 42-year-old actress is currently dating Gabriel Aubry, a French-Canadian model ten years her junior, and the couple has a daughter called Nahla.

However, Berry insists that a third marriage is not going to happen.

“I’m so not the relationship go-to girl. But I’m much clearer about what a relationship is, which is why I will never marry again. Gabriel and I have a great partnership and a lovely daughter,” the Daily Telegraph quoted her as telling The Mail on Sunday newspaper.

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Three women are facing charges after conspiring with his wife to lure him to a hotel room and kidnapping him.  Oh yeah, they put crazy glue on his “sensitive body parts.”  Damn

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“It’s unfortunate when business is out there about your personal shit, especially when you’re really not the guy to be having his shit out there,” Nas said. “The sad thing is, you’ve got to get used to it. My skin is so thick that I probably need to write a book for people who are not ready for anything crazy.”

“I heard that I was a cheater,” Nas told Straight.com. “It almost sounds like I was a bad husband. Not to say I was the greatest—I’m not perfect in anything I do—but I think I deserve a fucking trophy. If I do say so myself, without sounding too cocky, I gotta say I was a hell of a husband and a hell of a dad.”

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Filling in for Drake on the Young Money Tour, Chris was singing the chorus alongside Lil Weezy.

Is this the way he should be coming back?  Whatever. Click here to watch

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